Hi.
This is probably my thirty-eighth attempt to write this post (as in, this first post in this new space). Truth is, this should have gone up in February—that’s when I let my old domain expire, and when I purchased this one, and everything was go for launch, at least in my head—but as is always the case, Things Happened. I got sick for like an entire month. My head was in a bad place for a long while there. I don’t want to get into it.
Write something, discard. Post, delete. Draw, erase. Some things are better left between God and I.
chihye
I have, obviously, changed domains. It’s the first time in the ten years since I first purchased a personal website (in 2009! I really kept this up for a decade … that’s nuts) that I’ve finally gotten rid of the “Ninny,” um, brand, if you can call it that. That alone feels so liberating. I never discuss my website/blog with anyone out loud in real life, but the ninny thing made me avoid talking about it, like, extra aggressively. It’s very online me versus real me. And at my age now, I have very much outgrown it; skinnyninny is perpetually 16-year-old me in my mind, and hermioninny is 22. I’m 25 now. It’s weird to still be ninny. (Not to mention hermioninny was obvs a reference to Miss Granger, but I no longer quite identify as much of a Potterhead what with JKR going ham with retcons.)
I kept a few of the old posts up, though, now all categorized under The Ninny. So much of my perspectives have changed over the past decade so it’s difficult to not just outright delete everything and start over again, but I trust that it’s gonna be obvious to any reader that when a post is old it shouldn’t necessarily reflect my present viewpoints.
Anyway—this new site! I decided to go with a shorthand of my real full name (specifically, what I like to think of as the Your Obediant Servant shorthand of my name)—cus it’s something I’m confident I won’t outgrow over time. I have plans of sticking with this one for good, for as long as I want to keep this having-my-own-website thing up. (Could be months, could be years. I’m not gonna pretend to know.) The fact that f.dat could also be (somewhat) short for fuck that! just makes it all the better. That’s 100% how I read it in my head.
I also intend for this domain to be like, useful, should I need it, alongside the fact that I am, after all, working in the tech industry now. I mean, as of the moment I have zero plans of hosting any full-on tech-related content here, but still, it makes sense to think that I might need it. Here it is, my own .io domain. I won’t balk at the idea of adding it to my CV.
All that said … I’m not sure what to do with this space going forward. I know I was excited months ago, and this is such a change of tone from my latest optimistic posts, but that was before a whole lotta personal shit went down. I hold my quietness so close to my heart these days. It makes me giddy knowing that my online (social) footprints of late are close to none. And they hardly bear any resemblance to my actual real life footprints. That’s all intentional.
I have also come to understand that the whole reason this thing—my own website—even existed, was because I was desperate for a creative outlet at the time I was studying in the medical field. I was always on my laptop during my free time, creating whatever, because I was responding to some inner need to do it. Now, though, I find that my work already is my creative outlet, and I arrive home most days with absolutely no impulse to even turn on my laptop. I could do some art on the side, if I wanted to, like before. But I feel no urgency. I’m not at all interested in pursuing the “online creative” ideal. And truthfully, I don’t have a lot of time. I value my sleep more.
I have, however, been writing in spurts (and even talking in front of a camera, if you can believe that), because there has been stuff to write and talk about. I feel very alive these days. There are feelings to be felt!
But … you know. The willingness to publicize the details of any of it isn’t there. Everything little thing feels like oversharing at the moment. Actually, the paragraph above used to have twelve more sentences after “I feel very alive these days” but I edited them out because I fear I’ve said too much. Even though all those sentences were vague, anyways. You feel me? All this discomfort is making me question what my content here going forward is even going to look like. If there even should be content here going forward. I have no answers, though. It’s always day-to-day when it comes to me and my mood swings.
So yeah … I dunno. See why this is my Attempt No. 38 of writing this? I don’t know what to say and how to end this post. It’s all up in the air, is what I’m saying. I’m back, but not quite, is what I’m saying. That’s the long and short of it. But this space is here and ready, just in case. See ya when I see ya.